Lilly’s Funeral


” Cupcakes are a funny thing to serve at a Funeral. I mean I get serving them at the Wake, ” Tovia Sims said to her co-worker at View Ridge Lane Funeral Home and Cemetery Sheena Ainsley ” but during the Funeral itself?”

Sheena handed a cupcake to an elderly woman in a long fur trimmed coat,” Everyone is going to be munching on cupcakes and getting crumbs all over everything during the entire service. And do you know who is going to have to vacuum this all up?”

They continued to somberly hand out more cupcakes out as the family and friends of the recently departed entered the chapel in a long quiet line.

Tovia placed her empty box under the table where the guest book was was and she pulled out another. ” Uh. The Groundskeepers?”

” Guess again.”

” I did not go to Mortuary College to end up serving freaking cupcakes at a funeral and then having to hoover the mess up after the service. Jesus. Who’s idea was this anyway?”

” It was Lilly’s.” Sheena pointed to the portrait sitting on the table next to the guest book.

Tovia nodded. ” She was warped.”

” She was rich. These cupcakes are trimmed with edible gold and I kid you not, and flavored with vanilla beans that only grow on one island in the entire world. These things are like a thousand dollars each. And they were baked by Lilly’s favorite baker in Lilly’s own kitchen which is also stocked with foods from the most remote places on the planet. People have died bringing fruits  to Lilly’s that ended up in her morning  bowl of oatmeal.”

” Thousand Dollar cupcakes.” Tovia pushed the last empty box under the table with her foot.

” Yep.”

When they heard the music in the chapel start ,they checked the doors, the halls and then quietly and carefully closed the doors to the chapel.

” She must have loved her family a lot to do this for them.” Tovia whispered. ” Feeding them thousand dollar cupcakes and probably leaving them a boat load of cash.”

” I heard she left it all to her cat.” Sheena said

” Oh sure. Like that’s going to happen. ”

” She really loved that cat. I saw it when  went to her house to do the removal. It’s the coolest cat you’v ever seen. It has two faces, he’s an honest to goodness Janus cat named Kolchak and  he’s almost 20  years old.  She was offered millions for it, more then once, but she turned it down.”

” I’ll bet they find a way to get Kolchak’s money and more cupcakes” Tovia shook her head.

Did I tell you her cat had it’s own Nanny? Her name is Mavis. She speaks three languages” Sheena whispered.

The two Funeral Directors stared at the picture of Lilly- it wasn’t an old picture. It was a new picture. Lilly was standing in front of a large shelf filled with bottles- they were in all shapes and if you looked very closely you could see the labels.

” Hey. Look at these…” Sheena tapped on the picture.

The two women looked from the pictures to the cupcake boxes and then they practically knocked each other over as they ran and pulled the chapel doors open.

Lilly’s guests turned and with their mouths full of Lilly’s special cupcakes mixed with vanilla beans that only grow on one island in the entire world, decorated with edible gold and frosted with the finest purest butter cream frosting ever made by human hands and full arsenic from Lilly’s special little bottles.



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